


Toilet Wars

by derryderrydown



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-13
Updated: 2010-09-13
Packaged: 2017-10-11 18:06:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/115351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derryderrydown/pseuds/derryderrydown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We want our own toilet," Gwen said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toilet Wars

"We want our own toilet," Gwen said.

Jack glanced between Tosh and Gwen. "That's... nice?"

"Look," Tosh said, "there are two bathrooms in the Hub. We want one to be for the girls and one to be for the boys."

"What's wrong with both being for both?" Jack asked.

Tosh and Gwen exchanged a look. Finally, Gwen said, "It's Owen."

"He can't _aim_ ," Tosh elaborated.

"And he never puts the seat down."

"Or flushes properly."

"Oi!" Owen called from across the Hub. "I'm not the only bloke who uses the loos here. How do you know it's not Jack or Ianto?"

"Actually," Ianto said, "Jack uses the toilet in his own quarters. And I'm fully capable of aiming correctly, putting the seat down _and_ flushing."

"Okay, okay," Jack said, rubbing his temples. "You can have one of the toilets."

***

The next day, Tosh painted a figure on the door of the ground floor toilet.

"What's that then?" Owen asked.

"It's the kanji for 'onna'," Tosh said, stepping back and looking at it, head on one side. "It means 'woman'."

Owen took the paintbrush from her hand and scrawled, 'Birds,' across the door. "That's a bit clearer," he said.

***

The day after that, Gwen brought in a spider plant in a macrame hanger. "Ianto," she said. "Would you mind putting up a hook in the ladies?"

"Not a problem," Ianto said and vanished into the toilets with a large toolbox.

"How come he's allowed in?" Owen asked.

"He's an invited guest," Gwen said and turned her back on him.

"It's not Buckingham Palace, you know," Owen said but neither Gwen nor Tosh paid any attention.

***

When Owen came in the next morning - okay, yeah, maybe a _little_ bit late but that was totally the fault of the kebab. Eight pints of lager wouldn't make him hurl like that - there was a smell of paint around the Hub and Gwen had green splashes in her hair.

"Bloody hell," he groaned. "Don't tell me you're _decorating_ the place now."

"Just a coat of paint," Gwen said.

"Oh," Tosh said, "I spoke to my aunt. She's going to drop off those prints I was telling you about."

"Brilliant!" Gwen said.

Owen resumed his search for the really _good_ painkillers, the ones that Jack had ordered locked away.

***

"Ladies," Ianto said, "I have a proposition."

Tosh and Gwen looked at each other. "If it involves chocolate," Gwen said, "I say we accept."

Ianto cleared his throat. "If you'll let me use your toilet, I'll clean it for you."

"What products?" Tosh asked.

"Sorry?"

"Because if you're just going to use the No Frills stuff you use in the gents," Gwen said, "then the answer's no."

"You can choose the products," Ianto said.

"And you'll pay for them?" Tosh said.

"Torchwood will pay for them."

Gwen raised an eyebrow at Tosh. After a moment, Tosh nodded. "Okay," Gwen said. "It's a deal."

***

" _Jaaack!_ " Gwen bellowed.

He shot out of his office. "What? Who's invading?"

"You!" Tosh said, hands on hips.

"Sorry?"

"I checked the CCTV," Tosh said. "How could you? You've got a perfectly serviceable toilet of your own!"

"But that's not enough, is it?" Gwen said. "Oh, no. Not for Captain Jack Harkness. You've got to use _our_ toilet."

"I'm not angry," Tosh said. "I'm just disappointed."

"I'm angry," Gwen said.

"Well, okay," Tosh agreed. "Maybe a bit angry."

"I'm flaming furious. He said that was for _us_."

"You let Ianto use it!" Jack objected.

Ianto looked up from tidying. "I made a private deal," he said. "Leave me out of it."

"It's just that yours smells nicer than mine," Jack said, pouting a little.

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"It's called pot-pourri," Tosh said. "Get some of your own." She turned and smiled sweetly. "Ianto...?"

"I'll put a lock on the door," Ianto said. "First thing tomorrow morning.

Owen slowly shook his head. "They've all gone bloody mad," he said to himself.

***

But, that evening, after Ianto and Jack had vanished to do whatever they did, Owen crept into the ladies, shut the door behind him and turned the light on.

And, okay. Angels didn't _quite_ sing but he could see why they made a fuss.

The walls were pale green, decorated with a series of Japanese woodblock prints in dark green frames. A variety of plants hung from the ceiling and the whole place smelled clean and fresh and ever so slightly spicy.

And after taking a dump, Owen discovered that the bog roll was that really, really soft Andrex Quilted stuff.

Something, he decided, had to be done.

***

Owen slammed his hand down on Jack's desk. "This is sexual discrimination," he said.

Jack's smile was predatory. "I try not to discriminate against _anyone_ sexually," he said and rested his elbows on the desk.

Owen blinked. And blinked again. "I _mean_ ," he said, "about the girls having a nice toilet while us blokes have to suffer with a shithole."

Jack leaned back again. "Well," he said, "I use my own. Ianto uses the girls'. Which means the state of your toilet is entirely due to... you."

"Fuck," Owen said, and walked out.


End file.
